Not Paranoid

I talk to myself out loud. In Spanish. 'Cos these walls have ears, but they don't speak Spanish.

So now we've ended.

Sometimes you think a particular battle or struggle will never end. This is no transitional period, you're here for the rest of your life, time to get over it. When you've been in that mode for a long time, it can be hard to look around enough to see it doesn't have to be that way.

All of my adolescence and young-adulthood I have wanted very bad to grow up, to take responsibility for my life, to become what I was meant to be--I guess even to be an honor to my parents and God. But most of the time, I both wanted too much too fast, and wasn't willing to take charge of making those things happen. Not a great combination. So the last two years have been about doing what I can and (oddly enough) lowering some of my expectations. Plus, I've been forcing myself to look around and realize a lot of things I've looked at emotionally about myself and my life aren't nearly as bad as I thought they were. I still stumble on things that are, once in a while. But there's a lot that isn't.

This past spring and summer I'd been visiting with a counselor, to have someone's help as I continue to go through this process, and, about a week ago, we decided it was a good place to stop. This is probably the first time I've done that where I actually felt like something was accomplished and that it was right to end it now.

Not all my problems (or maybe goals is a better way to look at it?) are solved, of course--is there any time in our lives when they are? Sounds to me suspiciously like a stagnant state. Most things in nature are growing and changing, that I know of. To be changeless is often to be dead, sick, or an inanimate object. As uncomfortable as it is sometimes to be changing, to be "in process" or striving between two extremes for the balance that I see as part of nature's fight in everything, it seems to be the way things are done in this world. Why waste my time fighting it when I could spend my time fighting for it, which seems to be what we all have to do anyway, whether we like it or not?

Everything's Bigger in Texas Africa

You know, I've got to say, I think this trumps us.

Via Possumblog, who has a brilliant solution to the problem.

Reaching the Fourth Level

I am working on moving an old project to a new medium in my spare time.

About the time I got out of high school and we all started seeing a lot less of each other, my sisters and I (with the judicious, or judicial, help of our brother) started The Chain Story, a ridiculous-or-deep and profoundly wacky tale we've spun from our own inspirations and the relentless urge to parody or allude to everything we love, hate, or happen to have pop into our heads at any given moment. We've often done silly projects together growing up; something I've always loved because, simply put, we crack me up and, as I keep telling people, endorphins are good for you.

So...yeah. It's pretty wacky or dry humor (not sure how those two go together) and not everybody likes it. Be forewarned if you venture over.

And now our little chain story, the definitive commentary on the human race (what I call it in my more judicial humble legal spin-doctor executive legislative Court of Appeals ..moments), is graduating to its fourth level (it's like the Matrix!)--from Word document to email to MSN and now to Blogger.

I don't know if Blogger or a standard website or some other format will end up being most useful, so any suggestions on that front are welcome (no matter how you feel about our humor). We'll see how things go.

The End is in Sight

It's the last week of school, I just had my final final today, and I am increasingly experiencing the pleasant sensation of not having anything pressing to do at the moment. I still have stuff to do (the biggest fish on my list is a summer job), but gradually the spaces between "must-do-this-right-now!" things are widening. It's really nice.

Plus, my parents are coming in tonight around midnight for graduation so tomorrow I get to see them, too. It's been a very (insanely) busy semester--I've had frequent fifteen hour days (no joke)--but, trust me, I mean it when I say I feel like I've learned a lot about hard work, time management, but most of all, how not to stress out over projects. I just turn it off. It's like flipping a switch and turning off all the power in the house. Kinda eerie.

I have since decided that total lack of emotion is also boring, and what with things easing up it will be easier to both not stress and get my work done reasonably (and hey! enjoy some of this stuff!). It's been good and I think I can respect myself more for the lessons I've learned (though I still have more to learn in the time management and hard work departments). Most of all, though, I get a break now! I will, with any luck, soon be working eight hour days! For which I am very excited. (money! and not that much work!)

Okay, too many exclamation points. I'm making myself tired. Well, I've got stuff to do. :]