Saturday, September 15, 2007

So now we've ended.

Sometimes you think a particular battle or struggle will never end. This is no transitional period, you're here for the rest of your life, time to get over it. When you've been in that mode for a long time, it can be hard to look around enough to see it doesn't have to be that way.

All of my adolescence and young-adulthood I have wanted very bad to grow up, to take responsibility for my life, to become what I was meant to be--I guess even to be an honor to my parents and God. But most of the time, I both wanted too much too fast, and wasn't willing to take charge of making those things happen. Not a great combination. So the last two years have been about doing what I can and (oddly enough) lowering some of my expectations. Plus, I've been forcing myself to look around and realize a lot of things I've looked at emotionally about myself and my life aren't nearly as bad as I thought they were. I still stumble on things that are, once in a while. But there's a lot that isn't.

This past spring and summer I'd been visiting with a counselor, to have someone's help as I continue to go through this process, and, about a week ago, we decided it was a good place to stop. This is probably the first time I've done that where I actually felt like something was accomplished and that it was right to end it now.

Not all my problems (or maybe goals is a better way to look at it?) are solved, of course--is there any time in our lives when they are? Sounds to me suspiciously like a stagnant state. Most things in nature are growing and changing, that I know of. To be changeless is often to be dead, sick, or an inanimate object. As uncomfortable as it is sometimes to be changing, to be "in process" or striving between two extremes for the balance that I see as part of nature's fight in everything, it seems to be the way things are done in this world. Why waste my time fighting it when I could spend my time fighting for it, which seems to be what we all have to do anyway, whether we like it or not?

3 comments:

Ami said...

As soon as I looked at life's difficulties as challenges rather than stumbling blocks, it seemed like everything got a lot better. And that made it a lot easier to take care of them, which is good. Because once one "challenge" is overcome, up pops another one.

And then, when you look back you don't see an unfair life of misery and difficulty, but you see a life of accomplishment and being strong.

Sarah said...

I'm glad you are at some kind of peace about your struggles. I know it must be hard to see your life in a negative light. I have been blessed to rarely deal with that, but I have had other issues to deal with. I am coming to believe more and more in the power of the spoken word. For example, if I am feeling fat, ugly, and like a bad mom, I need to counteract those thoughts (and they are from the devil) by speaking out loud: "I am a child of God, a princess. I am a good mom and God will take care of the mistakes!" Or something similar.

Anyway- take care. I love you.

Kar said...

I like the idea of seeing things as challenges instead of obstacles. Living really is a process and it's a relief not to have to have everything the way it should be all at once. Thanks, both of you, for your thoughts and encouragement.