Sunday, October 16, 2005

Well, he said, I'm back.

No, ok, so I am back and have been back (as in, around a computer) for several months, but I am indeed a bum and have not posted. Until now. (tun tun tun tun!)

I have been thinking some profound thoughts lately, on account of the fact I've been having a profound semester (no lie) or rather maybe I should say a profound and way-high-up (cos what's the opposite--"exalted"?) and some "padding-over-hard-rocks" that feels like a recurring theme especially the past ..month? and more and more punctuated by "tipping-over hilarious" which are sometimes like little sparklers but sometimes are much much bigger and always always good. semester. (Sorry, that was a weird sentence.)

Not like I feel that it is good all the time, but I know it. Not even like profound or any of those other...less profound...words up there--just somewhere in me, I know it, like dim gray text on some lovely and bright painting of feeling and color. The feeling and color are all great--sometimes they're fun and sometimes they're not. But either way the text is there; you just can't always see it. When the other things start to get all woozy and--well, disorienting--the text starts to show up a little more. Sometimes I have to dig around a little bit and find it, but it's always there. I guess maybe that's called "reason." Not the only reason I see in my head, but the one I have to go on, the one that just makes more sense to trust.

That to me has been the real gift of the semester, that when I walked trudging home one night feeling defeated and like I'd lost a whole night of wonder and fun (it'd been raining; people were "slip-and-sliding" around outside and I'd just come out of a solid four, five hours in the computer lab and now it was time to go in), in the middle of that something along the lines of "I don't know how it's going to work out (right now I almost don't even care); I don't know how it's going to work, but I know you are good " ...and you will take care of it/handle it--I don't really remember or know how best to represent the actual thought or whatever. But the part that stood out to me was "but I know you are good."

God has given me many gifts and really I'm not going to get into trying to categorize them in importance or whatever, but if I was--heh--if I had to pick one right now, that's the one I would pick. It was so much even more the gift because it didn't feel like it came from myself. I'm not getting into the whole does God speak words into your mind, etc; communicate in special ways, etc--all it felt like was like him enabling me--like he had gifted me with the good response, the good reaction and way of relating relation to him. We are good because he has made us; we are good because he is good. Somehow this still works with the power of choice, the ability for evil as well as good but we are made for good.

No comments: