Friday, March 17, 2006

The Right and Wrong of It

The inside of my head--in all its 'right and wrong -hood glory'--is as valuable as all the outside I've been ignoring or misunderstanding all these years. (As if I've got it all straight now.) I don't mean that it is true because I believed it; that 'my' truth is not 'your' truth, though maybe not everyone has meant what I thought they meant by that phrase. I mean it was truly a part of my mind...therefore it had a real effect on me. It is truly who I was. Truly a part of me.

...And always will be. (Though I trust/intend the wrong-hood part to continue more and more in a 'how NOT to think' vein...You know the whole "I serve as an example to society of what NOT to do" joke? Yeah.)

Denying all that--all that I've thought and been and did--is as stupid as denying the history and minds and lives outside my own, which is what I've been doing, unconsciously and otherwise...for quite a while some ways, I think, my whole life. Like trying to deny World War I to the world. It's just stupid. And means coming up with some pretty ridiculous and far-fetched theories to explain all that war...stuff.

We all do stupid things. The point is when we learn better to get up and do what we can to do better. I have finally understood what my mom and dad have been trying to tell me for years (well, one thing): There is no shame in being wrong. The shame is in refusing to live by what you really think. [edit] --To live honestly is a better way to put it, I think--mind, heart, will, body--the whole package. Doing the best you can with what you've got.

I'm not claiming total ignorance (or innocence) for all my mistakes, but I am starting to believe that things done in honest ignorance are still at least...honest. If you're doing the best you can, what more can you do?

I mean, really? What else is there?

What's left?

More and more I think I'm starting to get what Jesus was talking about when he said, "If you were blind, you would not be guilty of sin; but now that you claim you can see, your guilt remains." (John 9:41)

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