Sick

I was going to write Tuesday that I was sick and glad of it. And I am, though it seems ironic after the headlong way I approa-- well, charged the last semester. This is the one time I have been actually physically sick this fall. On the other hand, I'm never sick, so what does that tell ya?

Though, honestly, this has seemed more of a grace from God, because it encouraged me and continued to encourage me to take it easy for a while. So, since Sunday night onwards, I have been laying in bed, singing loudly to the radio (my voice still basically works), re-reading bits of Howl's Moving Castle, switching between about 5 different radio stations and singing some more, and generally enjoying the pleasures of being able to lock myself up in my temporary room with radio, books, paper, pen, cds, smuggled food, microwave, and heater when I need it. It's been fun.

Although, at this point, on the illness side of things, I'm starting to think, enough already...? My head's a little tired of echoing strangely if I blow my nose or sniff mightily without afterwards yawning to pop my ears. Great fun, kids. But it's been worth it. Yay for somebody who's a lot smarter than me.

cherished memory

I never got to posting about my Thanksgiving (and here it is Christmas) and since I probably shouldn't even be posting right now I thought I'd sneak in a really short one. Possibly most hilarious memory of Thanksgiving:

My brother (a couple years younger than me), flipping around to get away from me (rough-housing), turning smack into a pole. Face first. Just like a cartoon character. It was awesome.

Gone

Like Al Pacino’s cat, nothing lasts in this life.

No, that's not really what the song says, but it works, too. I don't know much about Switchfoot in real life, but their "Beautiful Letdown" cd has been amazingly versatile in speaking different parts of my life these last few months, and the words* one of them says on the link above are pretty amazing, too. Amazingly thought-provoking, at the very least.

You can thank my mom for the "cat" version of the lyrics; I think she's the one that "heard" it when we in the car with the cd this summer. (Thanks, Mama. :D)

_____
*Under the "music" frame; I only read up to "Following are the cont'd thoughts of Jon..."

Dear little blog,

I have been thinking of you an awful lot lately. Only I'm so busy with this stupid thing called "Life" and "homework", and "fun issues to work through"--and "crazy in the head and and don't know why", and...and other stuff. God's amazing, isn't he? I almost said "crazy" but I think I meant "crazy-good." Really. Totally and completely. Whether or not I nearly said it, it's the truth. Most amazing person I ever met. Heh.

To whomever may be concerned, please don't mistake this for disrespect. I certainly don't think God is my "pal" or "this guy" that I hang out with. But I am starting to think he's like a stern, affectionate, wise father who has the grace to laugh at his kids sometimes--even if he has to pull out the paddle sometimes--get in their faces and such. Whoever thinks Jesus is only meek and gentle and diplomatic and soothing all the time, I respectfully suggest you go back and read through the gospels--like when he throws everybody out of the temple--rather forcefully, I believe. Or when he gives what sounds an awful lot like a fire-and-brimstone tirade to the spiritual leaders of the community. And yet in between and on either side of this you'll find his tireless--no, tired!--compassion and grief for those he loves. Which would be us. It's not clear but I believe he weeps openly in public more than once. He's no hate preacher but he's sure no pushover, either. That's why I like him. You can trust that kind of honesty, I think. Forthright. I really like that word and it is exactly right for him.

I am certainly no "expert". I have not studied this for years is all I mean. I'm still working this out for myself. But I think it's ok for me to say these things right now. You could even tell me what you thought. (What an idea, eh? ;))

Peace out, everybody.

I really do hope to post again pretty soon. I just don't know. Things'a been crazy, y'know?

The good thing about being an artist

is no one thinks you're weird for carrying around knives. Well, I mean, except for thinking you're weird in the normal ways... They don't think you're weird because of that. Or, well, maybe they do, but...shut up.

Well hello!

Possumblog and the rest of the wonderful world of the Axis of Weevil (and friends?) have a tradition of the Thursday Three (which this week is the Wednesday Weversal?). Anyhow, seein' as this is my last shot at a computer for the week and the library closes in an hour and I REALLY SHOULD be doing homework, I thought I'd play. So hello to anyone who wanders over, but please--none of this sitting on the couch with your pants unbuttoned thing. You may do that in your own home, but--think of the couch. She barely knows you. Thanks. Ahem:

Name ONE traditional Thanksgiving food that you would be satisfied to NEVER EVER eat again! I'ma have to go the way of several down in the comments over on Terry's blog and say it's not so much any particular food but the things people put in them that I would wish never to eat (or have to look at) again:

Marshmallows really do belong in s'mores or on sticks, and jello really oughta be left out of the whole--well, yes, I would say out of the whole mealtime/eating thing in general (in my "'umble but absolutely correct" opinion). I can eat giblet gravy as long as I don't think about it too much while I'm eating. It actually does taste pretty good and is one way I get through the turkey (along with the dressing). (Yes, I have never been much of a fan of turkey, though I do like (and celebrate) Thanksgiving. Does that make me a heathern, Terry?)

As a side note, I thought I'd throw in my actual favorite thing at Thanksgiving: Pumpkin pie. Actually, I eat that at Christmas, too. I would probably eat it anytime of year except those are the only two times anybody really makes it. Mmmmmm!

Well, that's it, I guess. Have a good one, all, and thanks for letting me play.

I can not believe

I go home for Thanksgiving tomorrow. I'm not sure it's quite sunk in yet, though it's starting to. I don't know who I'll see tomorrow before I leave, but to all my friends who I don't happen to see before then--to all the dear good people of the world:

Have a happy Thanksgiving.
And to all a good night.
(--week? weekend? Whatever, as long as it includes lots of sleep.)

Our friend the noble hog(TM) sends his regrets that he will not be able to attend this year. Sorry but you will just have to carry on without him.

Wouldn't you know,

I think I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, here. One can only hope.

But before I go,

I might as well take this time to direct you to a splendiferous concept. There are several really good organizational concepts employed in Gmail email which make dealing with my email just a way lot easier, for which reason I have had, and been enjoying, it since--whoa! Aug 04. I just checked. I thought it'd been maybe five months.

Here, let me sum up:

- More space - Gmail offers roughly 2600mb of space, "and counting", as they say on the site (when I joined it was "just" 2G). Hotmail offers 250mb--now. I think Yahoo's the same. That's a chunk, people!
- You can search instead of scrolling through pg by pg or folder by folder. (That takes a long time, in case you didn't know.) It's not completely perfect, but it still turns a 20 minute search into a 2 second one.
- It has no folders. I didn't get this at first but have since discovered the joys of "labeling" emails rather than manually sticking them in different folders and then having to rearrange and forget where you put stuff. This is one of those such-a-great-idea-why-didn't-I-think-of-that things. End result, you can group folders in multiple categories, pull up everything in one category, jump over to another, or back out and see everything at once if you need to. :)!!!

So that's my (humble? uninformed?) perspective. It is still in Beta form, I think, but it's been over a year now and I've had no real problems with it, though that might depend on your OS.

Blogging Forecast

I guess you may have noticed I have been rather absent. Lots of things I've had to concern myself with the last few weeks, namely (and mainly) school. Thought I'd (finally) be considerate and let you know this will probably last through Thanksgiving, at which point I have faith that I will be able to post again, at least a little. So blogging may be light, or cloudy (?) or--nonexistent--for the next week at least.

To all my loyal readers out there (you know who you are, *sniff*), have faith and hold on, if you feel like letting go; and in the meantime, concern yourselves with your own living, of...life. Oh. And I really do have a few good links on the side. Really! So go check them out!

You more "with-it" intersurfers may have already heard of these people but I was just looking today at something called WordPress. I've had the link on my 'puter for--I don't even know--ages, but I found it again recently and today I went and had a look around. Bottom of the page is this lovely little scrap of text, so light and un-attention-grabbing at first you might not even notice it's there:

Code is poetry.

Isn't it amazing that poetry can take so many odd and different, unexpected twists and turns? Even the bare-looking scrolls of plain text programmers use that in most of our world's way of thinking seems the farthest thing possible from poetry, or art, or beauty.

Time for

an obligatory halloween pun to make you hate me:

I'ma scare up some ghosts

Yes, it is my honor and duty to annoy you to the point of pain and agony (or at least death) with puns. It's a tough job but the pay is good.

I am, possibly, a little over-the-top silly today. Must be something to do with that whole sleep thing who needs it.

Gem of Wisdom

I have been saving this gem for weeks, maybe more than a month now and so, since I have little time to write and much I want to write about, I thought I'd pull this nugget of wisdom out of my treasure...pocket...and share it with you. A bit of stock postography, if you will. Oh, I'm so clever, clever indeed...

Enjoy.

Lita's Gem of Wisdom for the Day:

"You look tired. You need to either sleep or knit an afghan, because creativity is good."

Yes, I actually said this, weeks ago, to DC; nevermind why. The depths of my wisdom are really too much for you to plumb.

good things

There are some things that are just soothing, like a soft, thick balm to the mind; rough-textured and soothing...

the deep, soothing texture of cheesecake
the rustle of pencil against rough paper; soft grainy lines
sitting down alone on a bench swing; letting down your guard with God
a soft, thick-textured shirt
the intense, deep orange-red color of the same shirt
the quiet grainy sound of one of the songs on my computer

May the good things of the world go down to my very bones, o Lord. They are yours.

Metaphorical Philosophy

Tonight was so cool--so good that I don't even know what to say about it.

At one point, I was walking back down the street, the sky all glimmery-yellow and gold-like, musing about my place in God; accepting it and--not confusing his limitlessness with my own (ehem) lack thereof. I was sort of picturing the idea of myself small and--well--"simple" like a child or a pet, and I thought, "I'm just your little duck." Yeah. I know. Scary, isn't it? Actually my mind was grasping for images and went more like

duck--
kitten? (picturing my own)
duck???

The scary thing is I didn't even have to make any of this up. My brain is pretty--('hem)--amazing sometimes. I don't think I'm usually that girly in real life...er...whatever. Just a momentary weakness.

Come on, you know I had to. It was just too good to pass up.

Funeral home ad:

Buy our 50% off, economy-size tomb and we'll throw in this duck for free.

Found this old email from someone who will remain nameless who also, conveniently, has no memory of it, either:

A special note for a special sister.  Pass this on to everyone you've ever meet or else a fly will attend your funeral in the future with a cricket and his pet cow and also you will get a duck.

It's all about the ducks*, isn't it?

The disturbing thing about all this is why would you want an economy-size tomb? 'Less you're planning to take a whole lot of people with you when you go?

Poor duck.



---
*No, I am not calling him a duck. Look under "Another Brick in the Wall."

Identity Issues

Yeah so I was messing around, trying to possibly form an apology or excuse to change the template--yet again; but then I thought, 'hey. this is my blog.' And if the people can't depend on me to disorient and confuse the average cybernaut who happens by and also happens to have happened by once before--then what, I ask you, can they depend on? There's got to be some stability in the world, I tell you. Yes, I'm very possibly schizophrenic.

strawberries and cream

Last night (and earlier this morning) I painted up the town and smushed it around like a strawberry and whipped cream waffle. It was quite good. So was the waffle.

Well, he said, I'm back.

No, ok, so I am back and have been back (as in, around a computer) for several months, but I am indeed a bum and have not posted. Until now. (tun tun tun tun!)

I have been thinking some profound thoughts lately, on account of the fact I've been having a profound semester (no lie) or rather maybe I should say a profound and way-high-up (cos what's the opposite--"exalted"?) and some "padding-over-hard-rocks" that feels like a recurring theme especially the past ..month? and more and more punctuated by "tipping-over hilarious" which are sometimes like little sparklers but sometimes are much much bigger and always always good. semester. (Sorry, that was a weird sentence.)

Not like I feel that it is good all the time, but I know it. Not even like profound or any of those other...less profound...words up there--just somewhere in me, I know it, like dim gray text on some lovely and bright painting of feeling and color. The feeling and color are all great--sometimes they're fun and sometimes they're not. But either way the text is there; you just can't always see it. When the other things start to get all woozy and--well, disorienting--the text starts to show up a little more. Sometimes I have to dig around a little bit and find it, but it's always there. I guess maybe that's called "reason." Not the only reason I see in my head, but the one I have to go on, the one that just makes more sense to trust.

That to me has been the real gift of the semester, that when I walked trudging home one night feeling defeated and like I'd lost a whole night of wonder and fun (it'd been raining; people were "slip-and-sliding" around outside and I'd just come out of a solid four, five hours in the computer lab and now it was time to go in), in the middle of that something along the lines of "I don't know how it's going to work out (right now I almost don't even care); I don't know how it's going to work, but I know you are good " ...and you will take care of it/handle it--I don't really remember or know how best to represent the actual thought or whatever. But the part that stood out to me was "but I know you are good."

God has given me many gifts and really I'm not going to get into trying to categorize them in importance or whatever, but if I was--heh--if I had to pick one right now, that's the one I would pick. It was so much even more the gift because it didn't feel like it came from myself. I'm not getting into the whole does God speak words into your mind, etc; communicate in special ways, etc--all it felt like was like him enabling me--like he had gifted me with the good response, the good reaction and way of relating ..in relation to him. We are good because he has made us; we are good because he is good. Somehow this still works with the power of choice, the ability for evil as well as good but we are made for good.

Summer Vacation

It's been a crazy week. From a joke-argument that ended up upsetting people to procrastinating on a scary marketing presentation to seeing an enjoyable yet problematic movie, there's been a lot to think about; a lot to consider posting on. I have started posts on all these things and only finished the one--well, ones--on the movie; the others I wasn't sure if they were really worth posting on.

Summer vacation is three days away from starting (for me), going home is about five days away, and then a whole other spiel of activities and projects will start in their own right. What's more, we may not have a computer hooked up for a while (or at all) over the summer, so it looks like this blog will be going on summer vacation itself--though I will try to post now and then, as I'm given the time and opportunity. But, come fall, I plan to start it up again and continue recording the exciting adventures of my lives--er, life. Yeah.

I hope to post at least one more time before the week is up and the summer properly begun, so look to that, my imaginary friends. :) Until then, farewell and peace be the journey.

An Afterthought

I realized after posting my impressions of "Kingdom of Heaven," that I probably was being too hard on them. After all, everyday life is not always about the hardest decisions and the stickiest situations. Those come now and then and test our mettle but they're not our whole lives, or we might die a whole lot earlier of heart failure. It doesn't change that those tend to be my favorite moments in a story, the times of testing; though they are not my favorite times in my own life. It's more often the results; when I've survived the storm, made my decision, etc, that I'm happy--if I passed the test.

Overall I thought the movie roughly enjoyable, though not without some troublesome flaws, as I already mentioned. And I am very thankful my friends took me out to dinner and a movie and made sure I had a good time for my birthday. :)

Kingdom of Heaven

(Another too-long movie review. A few spoilers.)

I'm not entirely sure what I think of "Kingdom of Heaven." I'm not entirely sure I have anything worth saying on the subject. The music was lovely, the action very bloody, the story...so-so. I guess it was hard to get completely drawn into the story itself, perhaps because some of the maneuvering (of armies and men and such) was a bit confusing. And then there was the whole spiritual wishy-washiness that left me feeling mixed. I'm not sure if it was that last one or perhaps the fact that the movie just generally felt unfocused, constantly on the move, rarely stopping to delve deeper into anything. Perhaps I am just slow or nit-picky, but that's how it felt to me.

There were good things, too. A deep sense of honor. Many characters reiterated the importance of a good life over spiritual pomp and circumstance. One character said something about how a good life is about of living right and "defending the helpless." I leaned over to my sister and whispered, "That's in the Bible!" Because it is. There's more than one verse that says that that's what true righteousness is all about. James 1:27, for instance. That doesn't mean living right by any god's definition; but finding out who the true god is and what he wants. I think it was even partly the repetitive "what God wants is here and here" type comments (pointing to the head and heart), that partly contributed to the slightly sugary, unreal feel of the movie. Don't get me wrong--I basically agree with that statement--but how many knights in the crusades went around saying stuff like that, and in that slightly peace-and-flowers way? I don't know; maybe they did. It just didn't ring very true to me.

Even if the knights did go around saying stuff like that, it doesn't prove much. Anyone can go around spouting pretty-sounding platitudes--many do. But how am I to know it isn't just more pomp and circumstance if you don't prove it to me? As James also says, "Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do" (2:18).

I don't mean that the characters were all corrupt exactly; it just didn't feel like they rose above the sort of obvious and popular morality we mostly believe in today, at least in our country. Maybe I'm being too hard on them; I do love seeing good choices in tough situations--perhaps I aspire to it--and maybe it's too much to expect that every movie should have that quality. But the thing is few enough movies do have that quality these days, and I miss it sorely. There's not much I respect more or find more beautiful than a person willing to put someone else's needs and desires before their own. Self-sacrifice is to me one of, if not the, most beautiful thing on earth--or heaven, I think.

There was one example of this I did appreciate, and that was, appropriately, from the main character, Balian. "It is a kingdom of conscience or not at all," he says when refusing to have a man killed so he can marry his wife, take the kingdom, and prevent more warfare. (A sticky enough choice that I'm not entirely sure what was the right choice, what with the husband being a bloodthirsty man who would only cause more death and bloodshed, but Balian's intent was good, and that's important.) ...Evidently sleeping with the man's wife didn't count--just so long as he didn't kill him. *sigh*

My sister had a different take on things, saying that they were at least "searching," and it is true enough that at least two of the main characters were searching for forgiveness and perhaps even for God. It's just didn't feel like they found him; more as though they concluded he didn't matter or couldn't be known--a thing too many people think today, unfortunately--and probably have throughout history and time. And the truth is, I would certainly rather watch this kind of movie than the revenge flicks that seem so popular these days. But I would still rather watch a movie that feels more authentic, that delves deeper and tries a little harder to face the hard issues, that perhaps rings a little truer. There are a few out there; they're just harder to find.

A Postscript

Although, I may not have been completely satisfied with the movie, I may just check out the books, thanks to Decent Films' good word.

Lemony Snicket

(Note: Some spoilers.)

Yesterday I finally saw Lemony Snicket. Finally--after all these months. All in all, I felt like it was a rather uneven portrayal, what with the odd combination of humor, outright weirdness coming right out of left field (or really I don't know what field), and the occasional shock of reality, of the unsettling variety. Though the humor was all pretty much so-called "dark," it still seemed an odd fit with the few jolts of "reality" that got thrown in, startling me. Okay, really it was mainly one instance that shocked me a little, and you may laugh when you hear it. It wasn't blood or gore; it wasn't crude or really even offensive. It was just when the boy, Klaus, got slapped by his uncle, Count Olaf. Okay, I'm a weird one, but I can take a certain level of violence and not really be phased by it. Good or bad, that's the truth. But there are certain things that will make me step back, even despite the fact that they might be smaller than the big violent things the movies often wallow in so much. I can watch a man get beat up--no big deal. I see a kid get spit on, and it shocks me. (Real example--Power of One.) Analyzing my reactions would take a whole (much longer) essay, but the bottom line, I think, is that humiliation impacts me far deeper than "mere" violence.

I'm not sure what category the slap falls under, but it just seemed so--I guess real that it startled me. I guess it touched below the surface humor of disastrous events and dire happenings that the movie plays off of, touched deeper to something that seemed realer and more disturbing. Most of the events seemed so outlandish and ridiculous that it stood out in startling contrast. It felt like stepping out of the fantasy movie-land into some real-time videocamera recording...an effect that was jarring. Maybe it epitomized the whole wrongness of the situation, the way the uncle was treating the children--making them slave for him while he made plans to come into their inheritance--and then slapping one of them. Just--treating Klaus like he was worthless and Count Olaf's property to be slapped and pushed around. Disrespected. I think that's at the heart of it. Slaps are hardly the most violent thing you can do to a person, and yet to me they seem to be deeply disrespectful. Like the aforementioned spitting incident; I hate to see a person disrespected or humiliated. I guess there's not much that bothers me more than that.

I'm talking like slapping and spitting are the worst things that can happen to a person in the so-called Real World. I don't mean that at all. I just mean, they seem the closest and realest to my world, the easiest to imagine. While houses burning down and oncoming trains (while you're locked in cars straddling the tracks) and murderous uncles seem far less real to my sphere of experience.

Besides that, the death of a new friend during the course of the movie, the fatal dangers that somehow weren't fatal (at least when Count Olaf underwent them) struck an odd and perhaps surreal chord alongside the humorous tone of the move, dark or not, however you please to call it.

Other little points throughout the movie touched me in a different way. The children as they faced the ruin of their lives and loss of their parents--wandering amid the charred remains of their house; here an unscarred telescope, there a blackened plaything. Later, rolling up their sleeves (or in Violet's case, tying up her hair) as they made the best of a bad situation in a makeshift tent at their uncle's house, with a locket of their parents' profiles watching over them as they played and laughed together. And, at the end, reading the belated letter from their parents, written so many years before, with words of such goodness and hope and all the things the movie purported not to be about. “At times the world may seem like an unfriendly and sinister place, but believe us when we say that there is much more good in it than bad... and what may seem like a series of unfortunate events might, in fact, be the first steps of a journey.” Things didn't turn out perfectly for the kids. Uncle Olaf escaped. Their final fate hangs uneasily in the air, left unknown to us. But the yellowed letter, arriving years late, and all it reminded of the light among the clouds that gives us hope of things better and an underlying sense, was as close to a happy ending as a movie about deplorable circumstances and unfortunate events might dare to be. Though I might've wished for more reason to the hope and sense to the puzzles, and maybe even a little evidence of the goodness, I came away warmed, at least, by the moments that rang true.

"You can't stop it!

You've only slowed it down--"

One of my favorite movies, with a few reservations, is called Antitrust. It came out in 2001 and is a movie of a college-age computer geek who goes up against "the" computer geek of the day, a guy apparently supposed to be bigger than Bill Gates, and almost certainly very much inspired by many people's ideas of him, dealing as it does with monopolies, antitrust laws, and ripping off other people's ideas. At the end of the movie, when the hero, Milo, has checkmated Gary, Gary basically tells him his victory is futile; he's only slowed down an inevitable force; other's will take up where Gary left off. Milo's come-back is a good one: "I slowed you down, Gary; that's what matters to me."

It's easy to think our job isn't done unless we put an end to the evils of the world once and for all, so our children won't ever have to deal with them, and that's certainly a good goal to have. But the truth of the matter is, we're only humans in a fallen world, with enough other humans on the opposing side to make it an endless battle. If, at the end of our day, we can say we've slowed evil down, than I would say we've done our job well. Leave the ultimate vanquishing up to God. Their day will come; it's just a matter of time.

Gender Differences

Guy today kept insisting that all girls are manipulative. Not most. All. He even "backed up" his argument with the scientific analysis that he had known two girls to treat him manipulatively. I was impressed. He even said it as if I should be impressed (which is how I knew I should be). After telling us about the first girl who did him wrong, and I pointed out that didn't prove anything about the rest of us, he goes, "No, that's not the only one. I knew this other girl who..."

You did? Two girls? Oh, well in that case...

Grr.

I don't know if this guy was kidding around just to a get a rise out of us or if he really and truly believes this stuff, but either way it still bugs me. Sure, girls have the capability of being manipulative. Perhaps, even, more so than guys. That, however, does not make the case, that we are all manipulative, unless you mean the way all humans tend to manipulate each other at one time or another, and what, really, does that prove?

Gender-bashing has never appealed to me much, on either side. I'm sure I have my share of stereotypes about the male of the species and do occasionally say things that aren't nice about them and even think it's funny, but--I don't know--there seems to me a point when it becomes unhealthy. Teasing is one thing. Perhaps my line is fuzzy, but I think I do basically know when I start feeling bad about how I'm treating someone. Or how they're treating me.

The Dreaded Ethics Class

Today in class (Graphic Design), we began a section on ethics. Admittedly, I have been one to poke fun at classes on "ethics" because of how much of a farce they can be. Not that I would know. I've never had a class on ethics, or, I don't think, even a section on it. But for me, this seems to have come at the right time, what with my thoughts returning to the subject within the last week. To be honest, it's been on my mind a lot the past year--probably even before that, because I worry about things like that and there's a lot in the world I haven't figured out how to handle yet. It was refreshing to talk about it, although we didn't get very deep into it and my questions were hardly resolved (as if they could be in one sitting).

Still, it was good to think about and I think it would be worthwhile--no, important to do my own poking around on some or all of these questions, for the sake of my own conscience and soul, if nothing else, so I am prepared to deal with what I will inevitably face in the ever-receding "real" world. (After all, they said I'd be in the real world when I left high school.)

This stuff's important, and I think it's more possible, more traversable, than I once thought, as long ago as yesterday, when it all seemed impossible and scary. One of the most encouraging things that was said was that, yes, advertising reflects society and society reflects advertising, but this is not necessarily always in the negative way I immediately think of. Advertising has the power to shape culture just as positively as it often does so negatively; we can actually shift culture in the direction we want it to go--collectively, certainly, and there are always opposing forces, in advertising as in anything else--and literally improve society, influence and persuade people to think a different way. That's a huge responsibility.

Last semester in small group, we did a series on prayer in which we talked about praying "bigger," about really enlisting God's help to do big things in the world. There may be opponents, darker influences in advertising and the "prettying-up" business (graphic design/commercial art, etc), but think who we have on our side. Maybe it's time we actually started thinking bigger, enlisting his help; let him show us what he can really do.

Settling In

For a long time, when I've thought about what I wanted/felt was best to do, career-wise, my head was always cluttered with the varied possibilities; I was always wanting to go down what were usually little more than blind alley curiosities. I have a sort of novice interest in many things, or rather, I'm a little curious about a number of things, even if it is perhaps only a sort of knee-deep curiosity, so that has made it really hard to pin down what I was going to do.

On the other hand, since high school times, certain sparks have roused themselves, have made their "certain-ness" clear to me; or at least strong. I know when I write, when I feel things honestly with my words, something feels clear in me. Real, like the thing in the middle that really matters. Even when I was little, long before I dared to ever think I could do something with it, I loved the process--writing, I mean. Writing's just the process--and I love it, enjoy it, have a thing for it--but to me even that's not the heart, not what really matters. What really matters is the meaning, the truth behind the words. When you reach that, puncture through to the real thing, the cream filling--the real deal--when you really understand something important about life and yourself--that's the part that matters. That's what I love. That's realer than writing, or singing, or art or any other passion in the world you could have or think of. I never really can relate when people say their lives are about writing--or art or sports or chocolate or pickle jars, for crying out loud. Whatever it is we have or take it into our heads to love. Sure, I love some of those things, too (not pickles), but it's not my life, and it never could be. What would writing be without the meaning behind the words? For me, writing is about life, not life about writing.

It's been hard because what I really want to do is write and talk and share about my thoughts and beliefs about life. That's my passion. One of them, at least. And I don't have many. It's been hard because I don't know what's the right way, because there seem to be limitations on what I can do and how. But besides that there's the issue of making a living. And not just for myself, but for any future family I might have.

So I'd tentatively settled on Graphic Design as a major because I'm semi-good at it (and I don't hate it and I think it pays pretty well without, hopefully, working yourself to death) and planned/hoped to work my way into the writing field as I was able, free-lance, and see what it came to. So it was settled. Kind of. Actually, settling that has been a saga in itself, what with my continual urge to go back to the writing as a primary career and stick with it. And I'm still not 100% on it, but the more I consider my options the more it seems like the best option out there for me.

Still, I thought I needed History or English to hone my writing skills in the meantime--at least wanted one or both of them--and there was a Spanish minor to consider and things were rapidly getting out of hand to the point that I was going to have five minors and two majors--and that's not even that far off the truth. My advisor pointed out to me I would have my whole life to learn all the skills I could want or need and that's the best way to be--interested in a lot of things and learning till the day you die. So read up on it if you want to know about it and, in the meantime, settle on a slimmer, saner college career path. So there it was. Graphic Design major and Spanish minor. And, after tentatively crossing out my multiple-minors plans, I realized he was right. How much cleaner and more manageable--more possible!--my college road suddenly seemed, with just one major and one minor. And I could give both of them the concentration and focus they deserved and needed.

And for all the other skills and interests I could desire to learn I can acquire over time, with a healthy heaping of life, so that I always remember and continue to hone the thing that matters the most: the part in the middle. And my writing and art and any other hobbies I continue or acquire along the way will be that much better for it, for reflecting the truth that underlies everything we are and do.

Blogging Issues

I changed the template and lost not only my precious few comments but the comment box utility itself. So currently got to sort out what, if anything, I'm going to do about it. What happened was my old template didn't have the comment feature so I had to use Haloscan's. But when I changed templates (to a template that has a built-in comment feature), in a fit of contrariness, it wiped out my comments and refused to deliver on the promised feature. If you know anything about how I can fix it without having to get a completely brand-new blog, please drop me a line. Thanks much.

Also, curently trying to figure out what I'm going to do with this site in general. The painful truth is that, once I opened this site up to my family and friends, the very possibility of them reading many of my thoughts dried up the well inside. I like some of what I've done here, and I'm not giving up on the idea of having stuff online I can actually share with them (!), but a regular, genuine online journal does not seem to be one of those things right now. Perhaps in future I will mature past this obstacle or see things differently but right now I don't believe everybody needs to know everything I'm thinking. Unless they're perfect strangers.

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